


i believe it's a perfect imperfection

by nainjun (longassride)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Boyfriends, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot, jaemin is possessive, renjun doubts himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 01:21:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16734330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/longassride/pseuds/nainjun
Summary: Jaemin is the imperfect perfection and he stops at the first word. Renjun is there to tell him that there is one word that he misses and no-one is, in fact, only perfect. Even if Jaemin is not, no-one is obliged to be perfect.





	i believe it's a perfect imperfection

**Author's Note:**

> listen to apocalypse by cigarettes after sex for more feels

When Renjun met Jaemin in his freshman year, in the crowded corridor of the last-minute students, the hungry tummies, and two starstruck young men, Renjun immediately thought that  _ perfect _ would be an understatement for him. And Jaemin effortlessly proves it to him even until three years later, that he overshadows the currently defined  _ perfection. _ His confession wasn’t empty and saccharine, he didn’t exhort him with flowers or Ferrero Rocher or stuff from sappy teenage crush culture. 

 

He came to Renjun in a white button-up and khaki twill chinos and instead of picking up a bouquet of flowers that Renjun liked, Jaemin let him saunter among too many equally beautiful flowers that he had never known on the land he had never heard. Renjun kept asking and Jaemin kept answering, Renjun kept walking further and Jaemin kept him from tripping over small bumps on the dirt or touching the thorn of yellow roses. Jaemin followed him behind silently but necessarily with a knowing smile that only grew fonder and fonder as Renjun’s trail of amazement floated to the autumn sunset.

 

Then, Jaemin came to him, asking if he could be the one throwing the question right now, and Renjun nodded easily to that. And suddenly, the land was filled with warming silence and tranquil air, with Jaemin looking at him like he was finally discovering the entirety of the universe. It made him blush, he had to be honest. Jaemin caressed his hair first before his palm fell to cup his face. The long, slender fingers wrapped his neck with the gentleness that no-one could possess and his thumb brushed the pink dust on his cheeks and at the moment, Renjun knew he was a goner. He couldn’t be saved from this infatuation over the taller and could bring this forever to his deathbed without regret.

 

Jaemin was sweet without trying and overdoing it and it made him even more perfect in Renjun’s eyes. He confessed slowly and carefully, explaining details of his feelings toward the boy of his love interest and, with no hesitation, admitting to him that he  _ wasn’t _ perfect. He had an imperfection that couldn’t be seen with apathetic eyes every day but he believed, Renjun could see and would be wise enough to face it. Renjun had a moment of doubt after that because could he really handle that? What if he couldn’t and only disappointed Jaemin? To make Jaemin sad was never written in his life purpose.

 

The taller sensed it and Renjun knew he sensed it. And Renjun wished in silent that Jaemin would act recklessly now to straighten his head, to convince him. If Jaemin had his own way to convince Renjun to be his, Renjun had his own way too to convince himself even more. He didn’t want Jaemin to distant himself or even give up. He just needed to be reckless, reckless enough to twist Renjun’s mind. Renjun knew it’s in him, that Jaemin could be brash in a certain situation despite the careful and meticulous calculation he always made before doing something, and he was triggering it.

 

Renjun felt a surge of relief when Jaemin pulled him closer to seal his lips with his chapped ones, letting the smaller learn his curve and nook, learn the taste of espresso through him because it would be a little sweeter and acceptable for his baby taste buds that didn’t know how to embrace the bitterness. When Jaemin pulled away to tilt his head to the other side and locked the word in his throat again, Renjun was assured. He let Jaemin guiding his arms to the right places as the taller deepened the kiss, trying to adjust himself to the new taste—the sweetness—with his bitter tongue and the help of Renjun’s cavern and the small, satisfied sound he made every time Jaemin’s lips savoured him.

 

☾

 

At the moment like this is where Renjun’s mind backtracks to the meadow, the memories of sitting next to Jaemin who is driving on his left. The white button-up and khaki twill chinos feel like just a minute ago from his reach and there’s a flash of a smile from the boy when they accidentally make an eye contact. He remembers the Goldilocks weather outside the windshield that preceded the starry night at the end of the day while his eyes can’t stop counting the droplets of water colliding the same windshield from the memory. Jaemin let him open the window to feel the fresh countryside air and when it blew through the strand of his hair, he overlooked the younger’s fond smile.

 

The air blowing his face now is chilling and biting his skin, industrial and stuffy. No normal person wants to open the window under the heavy rain at ten at night. He breathes it in and breathes it out, hoping to treat the swell in his chest. He looks to his left, to the man he loves with all of his existence, to the source of his pained heart. Jaemin also breathes the air in and out but less heavily like him, even though Renjun believes it’s heavier inside. His arms are barely resting, the left one is still gripping the steering wheel, a tad bit too tightly for a parked car, and the other one is holding on to the gearshift. His jawline is firm, restraining himself from gritting his teeth.

 

Tonight, just like some other nights, Jaemin turns to look at him, feigning a relieved smile to offer to his boyfriend. And this is  _ not  _ the first night that Renjun spends with him. Why does he do this to Renjun when he knows too well that Renjun is his cure?

 

“Do you want to have some hot latte? I’ll buy it for you and your mom. I know she’s dead worried when I asked you to go with me. Should we go inside?” Jaemin asks rather calmly.

 

Renjun looks at him in disbelief, eyes slowly watering but he holds it in. He learns it from Jaemin even when the younger never tells him to but of course, he is nothing better than him at this. His eyes are shaking at Jaemin’s lie.

 

“Jaemin,” he says so carefully not to involve the quaver from holding his tears when he calls his name.

 

“ _ Love. _ ”

 

Jaemin’s smile falters at the single word as he looks at the smaller boy, the tears pooling his eyes are glistening under the streetlight. He opens his mouth to say something but it’s clogged. WIth the ballast hanging on his rib like this, his words are always useless. They are in the middle of killing him inside. So, he only reaches out his arm to cradle the older’s face and brushes his thumb over his cheeks, just like in the meadow.

 

“You can cry, Renjun.”

 

There is a stream between the only soft part of the skin of his palm and Renjun’s cheek, flowing down south to his wrist where it falls to the velvet seat. His boyfriend’s smaller hand is wrapped around his as if to prevent it from breaking into pieces, securing it between his palm and face.

 

“You can too, Jaemin.”

 

Then, everything falls to a cold silence, the freezing one that none of them is able to move their lips. The only sounds between them are Renjun’s choked tears and Jaemin’s gentle “Let’s go home,” before kissing the boy’s forehead delicately, afraid it will break Renjun’s wholly. He begins to drive with no clear destination in his head because all he hears in there now are the soft sob of his boyfriend and the small yet painful cracks somewhere in his chest where his heart is placed.

 

☾

 

Jaemin ends up stopping in front of his own house due to his mindless driving. When he realizes where he has stopped his car, he immediately ignites it again only to be forbidden by Renjun. The boy grabs his hand, the one holding the brake, and says nothing.

 

The boy sighs before shaking his head slowly, disapproving the look on Renjun that determines only one thing.

 

“You can’t stay, Jun,” Jaemin starts. “My house is cold.”

 

Renjun peels his warm hand from the brake, completely owning it in his smaller ones. He returns the soft brush on his cheeks by doing the same to Jaemin’s sharp knuckles. When Jaemin curls it around his small palm, Renjun follows. The rain had stopped on their way home but it’s still cold enough to freeze his hand and Jaemin doesn’t like it when Renjun’s hand is cold. This small detail doesn’t change amidst the bigger changes.

 

“That’s why you need me. Only your hand is warm now.”

 

☾

 

“Do you know why my mom let you to take me out tonight?”

 

There is a low, questioning hum coming out from Jaemin’s shut lips that resonates through Renjun’s tip of fingers on the taller’s ears and back of the head and his thumb that is brushing soft strokes repeatedly on his cheekbones, tender and calming. Jaemin’s fists are balled on the each side of Renjun’s thighs, propping his hunched back to level his eyes with the smaller boy. He silently adores the sight before his eyes,  Renjun sitting on the vanity with Jaemin’s oversized t-shirt hanging loosely on his shoulders and revealing the collarbones, Jaemin’s favorite part to nuzzle his nose into. The older’s hoodie is discarded and neatly folded on Jaemin’s chair. He wonders just how small Renjun is that sitting on the waist-height desk doesn’t help him reach his face completely. And it successfully ceases the anger in him slow and steadily.

 

“Because she likes you.”

 

Jaemin cracks a smile, the sincere, warm one he always offers to everyone at university, especially the young man in front of him. It blooms the same smile on Renjun’s face and it warms his heart. Renjun pulls him into a hug, Jaemin’s arms are protective yet loose around his waist despite the said uncomfortable position. But it’s Renjun and Renjun can  _ never _ make him feel that way.

 

Renjun’s words are muffled against his neck, lips are touching it intentionally to give one or two soft pecks amidst his speech. He says that talking that way will reach Jaemin’s heart easier and he will feel better faster. Renjun never misses a day talking like that since he is officially the younger’s boyfriend.

 

“She said you are a young, reliable man. That you are humble and you know how to respect us despite your wealth. And most importantly-” Renjun’s hand slides from his neck to the younger’s chest where his heart lies underneath, feeling Jaemin’s breath hitched from a reason Renjun doesn’t really want to know. 

 

“You have a very kind heart and a sincerity of an angel. You are a very nice young man, Jaemin. And I can never disagree with my mom.

 

“But she said that it is hollow here. And once again, I can disagree with her.” 

 

Jaemin sees a single tear falls off his eyes from the mirror’s reflection as well as Renjun’s wetting a patch of his collar. It feels weird and cringy to see the second one rolls down his face, a punch is mentally aimed at his gut for being a loser. Na Jaemin should not cry, Na Jaemin  _ doesn’t _ even budge in his parents’ funeral, Na Jaemin doesn’t cry.

 

“Do I take too much, Jaemin?”

 

“Why are you building such a stone cold wall surrounding it even more? You are still a human, love. You can’t go around pretending everything.”

 

Renjun clutches the fabric of his shirt as his cry once again breaks down. It doesn’t shoot, right to Jaemin’s heart, for his has gone with the winter wind a long time ago. But the love he has been keeping inside the hollow, the love from Renjun and his family, makes him function a little more like a human he wishes he was. He can’t fall asleep every time the thought of Renjun leaving him and taking back his heart with him rises because Renjun is the reason he is still a human while turning into the most powerful person in South Korea over a bedamned night.

 

“Do you know, Renjun, that I have not owned a heart since the first grade of junior high? Since my parents’ ambition completely took over them and they teach me how to not have a heart so I can grow up like them and inherit this, the monster that’s controlling South Korea’s economic flux and dynamics. In this house, only Mrs. Lee who had that and her young boy, Lee Jeno. Other servants were too scared to show it to me. She taught me how to behave like a person who lived in a society by letting Jeno played with me when my parents were working. Not like they would remember they have a child anyway. And I can at least know how to function like a human being.

 

“When they found out that I hung out with a filthy kid from a far lower caste years later and that I had changed a little, they kicked Mrs. Lee and his son out, leaving her jobless and Jeno has to drop out from school. I learned that having a heart earned me attention and warmth I didn’t get from my own parents and that having no heart get me at least one shooting attempt a day. This company deals with a dozen more mafias and at that time, I had twelve chances to lose my life in a day.”

 

Renjun has detached his head from Jaemin’s neck. He is looking at him in a new disbelief looks, not because Jaemin stays silent and reclusive, but because Jaemin’s childhood is a terrible nightmare he never wants to experience, more than ghost nightmares or the bizarre ones. The younger still manages a straight face but there are streams of his sadness and frustration on his both cheeks.

 

“I took Mrs. Lee back last week, on the day of my parents’ funeral, but not with Jeno. He had long gone with brain cancer in the period of life when he should be running on the field, playing soccer and becoming a star. If only Mrs. Lee never got fired, if only Mrs. Lee stayed, I could do something to Jeno. I don’t care if it means I should rob my own parents or get imprisoned but I’ll secure a fuckton amount of money to save Jeno. Mark is my backup all the time and if I knew Jeno was sick, I would ask Mark to keep the money for me. I’d find a way.

 

“Now, it’s nothing but a story. Jeno probably had angels taking him to his new life and my parents had a shitload of demons crawling from the underworld to drag them to hell. Then, my question is why do I feel fucking sad about my parents when I know they are good now in the demons’ hands? Why does it fucking hurt in here when they teach me not to have this?” Jaemin’s voice is calm and controlled that Renjun won’t believe that he is feeling remorse if it’s not for his pained expression and his trembling calloused hand covering his smaller one on his chest.

 

“Because they died when I have you and your heart. They died when I no longer a walking flesh. It’s right that I build a stronghold surrounding what I used to have but little did you know, I’m just protecting yours. You’ve shared yours when I’ve lost mine. I’m not losing twice, Renjun. When you are happy, it gets warm, it makes me function. When you are sad and hopeless, it loses its spark. The colder it becomes, the stronger my wall has to be.

 

“I talked about being imperfect, right? This is my imperfection. That I’m nurtured to have no heart and I live longer under the classic stereotype that I can’t break down in front of other people. I have to be stronger, if possible the strongest out of everyone else. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about a certain issue for you. I’m just keeping your heart warm. I don’t want to tell my childhood experience to you because I’m afraid you will distance yourself from me, thinking that maybe I’m a psychopath or a dangerously possessive young man with that kind of experience. I don’t want you to leave me but I can’t captivate you either way. I’m becoming a human because of you, and I know that human doesn’t incarcerate the other human’s free will.”

 

Jaemin looks at Renjun with two hopeless eyes, as if telling him that his life is done once Renjun knows that his possessiveness is more real and is a bigger deal than what Renjun would imagine. The moment of doubt is there again, washing the older with hesitation and thoughts, questioning his ability to be committed to Jaemin when they are not even married and probably cost a life, Jaemin’s life, when he decides the other way.

 

“It’s okay if you want to leave me after this. I know, I’m not being honest to you, I know I’m not normal, I sound creepy and possessive by saying that I function by your ability to love. It’s okay, Renjun, I can still be alive. It’s not like I’m losing it if I don’t-”

 

Renjun doesn’t need an explanation like this, a complete nonsense and aimless blabber from a young man with scarred childhood. He needs Jaemin to know that he is there, both his mind and body, and although his figure is small, he is always ready to catch him. He needs Jaemin to know that he loves him because he owns his heart too and it’s nice of him to try to protect it.

 

His kiss is quickly broken by none but the younger with two teary eyes that the other won’t like to admit. He parts away from Renjun a little, enough for the older to hear his sincerity in what he is going to say next even though it’s going to stab him deeper than any knives.

 

“Renjun, I told you, that my house is too cold,” says Jaemin. “You can’t stay here.”

 

“Jaemin, if what you mean is I have to leave you, I’m going to tell Mrs. Lee to lock all doors in this house so you are stuck with me for the rest of your life. And turns off the heater so we can just die together,” threatens Renjun, dead serious and stern. “You and I, no-one needs to leave each other. Listen to me Jaemin, with the heart you’ve been protecting for years, we only have to balance, so your possessiveness that you said you’re scared of for hurting me won’t be over-exceeding. And I’ll try to make you happier, so I can keep you warm and human. I believe your love for me is sincere, Jaemin. That you want to make me happy and take care of me.”

 

The older has a soft smile on his face, still looking so beautiful even after all these messes Jaemin put him into. Jaemin questions all the deity up there what he had done in the past that he deserves an angel like Renjun. His boyfriend’s sincerity, patience, and kindness perfect his bright personality that Jaemin can’t have.

 

The second time they kiss with tears falling down between Renjun’s palm and Jaemin’s skin to their interconnected lips, Jaemin couldn’t care which is whose anymore because, in the end, Renjun need not a man who can’t cry or a man who is strong. Renjun needs him to be a human who falls and rises together with him until his house is no longer inhumanely cold.

**Author's Note:**

> ok what the fuck, angst?
> 
>  
> 
> i just wanna say that i think.... my renmin one shot involves aged up characters as the time goes by and more fics that i make. this is.... unintentionally nice. love you all bro for reading and wasting your time here. sorry for the angst and sorry for jeno but dude,
> 
>  
> 
> simon says the song is bop and y'all should blast it until the neighbouring solar system knows the fucking jam


End file.
